experience

I didn't have a good night tonight. I was frustrated at numerous different things and was just not in the best of moods. We came home late, I needed to shower, and I was already tired. So I did, washing up and taking care of myself, when I felt a strange thing that I can't remember feeling before, or at least not so strongly. It was after I had showered and was laying in bed preparing myself for sleep: I stretched out and I felt the slight weight of the CB pulling my cock, and it felt right.

What was strange about that? Well, I wasn't sexually aroused; tonight was just not the kind of night I could be in that mood, what with the frustrating day and exhaustion I'm feeling. It's not that, yes, wearing the CB is right because I'm turned on and it's sexy to be denied. No, it's right because of something else, something emotional that has a closer connection to my choice of lifestyle and even who I am than blatant sexual desire.

This past week was the first time I had worn the CB to work (when work required me to go anywhere). When I was told to put it on 8 days ago now, I didn't expect to be in it for long. Especially because, for certain special events at work, we were headed to conference centers for part of the week, and we didn't know how tight security would be in these places. But instead of taking the CB off, she replaced the metal lock with one of the plastic ones the CB-3000 comes with. Turns out there is no metal detector, and when I told her when I got home, she said that rather than switch the locks, we could just keep that one on. Naturally, the only effect this has had on me during work is bathroom trips since I no longer use the urinals.

She came without permission. She is being punished.

It happened like this. She was idly teased and held on the brink of orgasm as she fell asleep Friday night. Saturday morning she woke with the strong sense that she had, somehow, cum--at least mentally--in her sleep. Not her fault, you might say, but the fact is her body had an orgasm. It was not hers to have. It was my orgasm. She cannot have my orgasm. She may cum only when I make her cum, or allow her to cum or (at least theoretically) allow another to make her cum. She has no sexual release without my permission--this is true whether she is asleep or awake. If her body cannot be under control when she sleeps, it will need to learn.

It occured to me while I was kissing her tonight, and I believe it has possibly already done so before, that the longer I stay chastised in the CB the less concerned I am with orgasm specifically and the more receptive and interested I become in sexual activity in general. Each caress and pat of my head feels pleasureable in a way that's uniquely accessible due to my chastised state, and it's extremely intoxicating. Similiarly, as my body becomes more affected so to does my mind, and I've noticed that my fantasies in the past few days have involved sexual activity in a far more general sense. Gentle kisses, caresses, tender touches and very slow, delicate teasing has become more prominent, this time all with an undertone of a bizarre loving cruelty.

What I find very funny sometimes is how closely connected sexual exploration is with sexual denial (at least, in a consensual kink context, of course). The single most powerful reason why I explore denial is because it's arousing. Similarly, the single most powerful reason why I explore the many ways to obtain sexual gratification is because that's obviously arousing too. But there's a very special extra benefit to exploring ways of obtaining sexual pleasure: finding new pleasures to have denied, or better yet, new teases.

Perhaps one reason for all my revving fantasies of late is because I miss that exploration, and fantasy or imagination is a good way to make a first step toward experiences. I know I've been thinking a lot about sex lately, not just fucking, but just sexual pleasure in general. And I'm not just thinking about how much I want it (though I do), but I'm also thinking about how much I want to give it.

So I thought I would post a little update on myself. It's been over 28 months (since Jan 1, 2004) since I decided to let my wife decide when I should orgasm, and over two years (since Mar 7, 2004), since we decided I should orgasm very rarely, if ever. In the past two years, I have had orgasm only three times, twice intentional, and once accidental (once, I just went too far and couldn't hold back). The two times that were intentional, once was her idea - we had a fight, and she wanted to make it up to me in a very special way. The other time it was my idea, and I regretted it afterwards. It had been over a year then since I had an orgasm, and I was curious to see if I still wanted it. I thought I did, but realized I didn't afterwards.

I was told last night, that I'm to relay any ideas that I see here to my lovely wife that will help her in teasing me senseless while I stew helplessly in my desires awaiting her generosity of relief. She discovered that I have not been telling her the things I see here that get me going, and she wants to know about anything that I'm not telling her that she can use on me. Since I've been lurking far longer than posting she desires a lot of content to be relayed. Of course, most of what I go look at first is fantasy, but now I probably need to start with perusing the reality sections when I arrive. Although I am not against suggestive posts and pointers to old posts, puleeze remember that I may have to endure *anything* you say here so long as it's safe. For instance, Suzycandy mentioned chastity belts right after I agreed to this and now I *have* to bring that to her attention. As the first item, that is just evil :).

Although I wouldn't consider us 24/7, there are some things that tread into real life. One of them is that I never know just when or if I'm going to get my chance until after the fact, wether we're "in the bedroom" or not. I apparently blew it yesterday after a full on week plus of tease. She would randomly strip tease me and some hands on. Last night was supposed to be the big finale and I blew it. Now I don't know when I'll get another chance and this has been one of the most difficult (in a good way) times to endure. This morning she began the tease again, so I won't get any breaks. I'm really regreting my actions for the first time in quite a while.