This forum is slooooooooow

This forum is really slow.

Personally I blame Susan.

And Andrea...and...the other one.

I can't remember her name right now. I know it starts with 'sub', but I'm guessing that thats not what is on her birth certificate.



Unless its Subanne, that could be a name.

Subanne Smith...if I ever have a daughter...
If you're reading this don't be offended that I can't remember your name, I can't even remember my own name most of the time.

Although...its probably written in my underwear.

Hang on...urgh...erm, my name is...Mark Spencer??


Or, possibly, Tommy Hilfiger.


No, I don't know why I'm wearing two pairs of boxershorts either.


Anyway, Susan, Andrea, Subanne...post more often, please?

I should probably get to the point of this post, which is to tell you about the events of early this morning, so early in fact, that if I had not already gone to bed at the time I would have considered it to be late at night instead.


It began when I was rudely awoken by a tapping noise, immediately I swung myself out of bed, turned on the light and grabbed the baseball bat by the side of my bed.

This is when things started to get a bit strange.


Baseball bat???


I am British, it should be a Cricket bat right?

Now, I don't keep a Cricket bat by the side of my bed either, but that really does not explain why there was now a baseball bat there.

Where did it come from??

It is a mystery from which I was distracted when I noticed my foot tapping in time with the beat.

Everybody who ever went to school has, at some strage, got bored and pretended to play the drums, beating out a tune on their desk...well that was the tapping noise. Behind me.

I spun round and jumped involuntarily.

I saw a spider!

I noticed two things immediately.
Firstly that it was using my bedroom wall as a bongo.

Secondly, it was not a normal spider.

The Brits out there will know that we get two main species invading our homes, apart from all the little crappy ones that don't bother you at all.

There is species A and Species B.
No, I do not know the proper names for them, though I suspect species A is the so called 'house spider'.
A name which I feel has given it ideas far above its station.

Species B is the larger type, and even though the smallest of these are sometimes not much bigger than the largest of species A, you can still tell that they are two distinct species.

This one was about the same size as the very biggest of species B. The size you have to fetch a mixing bowl for because a glass simply would not do.

But this was not species B. It was grey. It looked very much like what I recall being told was a wolf-spider.
Now, I haven't bothered to google this and verify it, but it is now too late, forever imprinted on my mind is that this spider = wolf spider.

I am one who has the macho (lit:incorrect) notion, that if a wolf came at me I would beat its big bad arse to the ground.

But Wolf-Spider???

That is not an encouraging name.

Its almost as bad as 'Vampire Squid'.
http://www.promotega.org/ksu00019/vsquid.htm

Couple this to the fact that it was quite a good drummer, and as you can imagine I was pretty freaked out.


I was very glad that I now had the Baseball Bat of Mystery rather than my usual horsewhip.



I picked up the large bowl and piece of heavty duty cardboard I keep handy for just such eventuaities and plonked the bowl over where the spider had just been on the wall.

The bastard moved. It was one fucking fast spider, most spiders can move at a fair tilt if need be, but I have never seen anything like this. Another couple of failed attempts at capture and I was stumped, it was just too fast, way too fast.


So on to plan B; put a load of dents in my wall.

This was not the...erm...the planned plan B.
The planned plan B was 'you have a baseball bat, kill it!'. But it dodged; it wasn't simply running for cover with me missing, it was actually dodging backwards and forwards, up and down, purposefully avoiding my blows.

Eventually it launched itself away from the wall super ninja style and squeezed itself under my bed. A quick scout around and I saw it just a little way out onto the carpet on the other side of the room.

I needed a plan C.
I have a plan C, you can never have too many plans.

Plan C is books, I picked four books from the top of one of my bookcases, Big heavy books, two of them dictionarys.

The seventh edition of the consice Oxford dictionary slipped off the pile and landed on my foot.

I swear I heard the bastard snigger, but I was unperturbed, I still had the Collins softback english dictionary, with Hutchinsons softback encyclopedia and Halliwells film guide backing it up.

I held the books over the spider and let them drop.

THUD.
A neat pile of books, no way could it have dodged that.

It hadn't.
I slid the books back to reveal the remains of a very pissed off spider.

Remains which were behavingly suprisingly active and life like. It stood up and scuttled under my bed once more, apparently completely unharmed.


That was many many hours ago now, I still have the mysterious baseball bat and there is an indestructible spider under my bed.


Help me???