OMG !!! What am I ?

This is not like any normal post here. Normally I would be here for fun, for new ideas, and for arousal. Tonight I find myself in a really strange mood. I have had a few too many drinks. I just might end up regretting posting this. But at the moment I have an overwhelming urge to express myself.

A few weeks ago yet another relationship ended and once again I heard for just one time too many that I was some sort of weird unnatural freak because I was constantly interested in sex, and always ready for it. For some reason this particular time it weighed heavily on me. I decided to check with my doctor just in case there was something to this.

She sent me for some blood tests and when the results came back she was somewhat worried about what seemed like impossibly high levels of both male and female hormones, so she referred me to an endocrinologist. Initially he seemed at a loss to explain it, but got me into a public hospital where all of a sudden every specialist under the sun seemed to want to be involved and I ended up having more tests, scans, biopsies, and examinations than I ever dreamed existed.

Now that all the results are back I find myself shocked and stunned and struggling to understand how this is all going to work out for me. I always knew I was different, perhaps even weird, although nobody ever likes to hear that, but I generally put much of that down to my Aspergers Syndrome. (For those that do not know, it is a sort of high functioning autism which affects the way I perceive and relate to everyone around me.) Anyway, it turns out I am much more weird than I ever imagined possible.

Firstly, I have a disorder which is normally found in men. The root cause is genetic. Instead of 46 chromosomes I have inherited 47. I have what they are calling XXY Chromosome Syndrome. It normally presents as a man (XY) having an extra X chromosome. In my case though the Y chromosome is somehow defective or deficient, so that even though it has caused some profound effects, it has not made me male. Well, not properly anyway.

My ovaries are quite abnormal and contain both ovarian tissue and testicular tissue. One ovary has eggs, and the one sample tested shows that these are infertile. This probably pretty well explains why my periods are irregular and very light. The testicular tissue is partly functional, and produces male hormones, but seems completely incapable of producing sperm, and even if it could there is no mechanism to do anything with it.

There is also a problem with the whole regulatory part of them. In a normal person hormones are only produced as they are needed, but in me this process does not switch off and it seems that I am producing both female and also male hormones at the maximum rate. This kind of hints at explaining some things like my hairiness, as well as kind of explaining my horniness. The doctors are convinced that by leaving this untreated I am putting lots of unnecessary strain on my heart and other systems, and leaving myself exposed to extremely higher risks of certain cancers and other nasty side effects. They are recommending that I should have a full hysterectomy and then go on HRT. That option terrifies me beyond belief.

The second option is to use medicines to lower my hormone levels and then to regularly check to allow dose adjustments and to carefully monitor for other related problems and side effects. I will be meeting with them again next Monday and at this stage I am pretty sure that this is my preferred option, at least for now.

In a sense it is comforting to know that there is a logical and medical reason behind all of this. In another way it has been very disturbing. I never imagined that I was ever anything other than fully female. Never!! Listening to specialists debating whether I was a true hermaphrodite was very hard to endure. I know I only have small breasts, and I know I have a boyish sort of shape generally, but in my mind at least there was never any doubt. My genitals seemed perfectly normal to me. Yes, my vaginal lips are most often enlarged and hanging out, but that just seems to be from arousal. In the same way my clit is larger than all the others I have encountered, but most of the time it is only that way from arousal anyway, but it is still clearly a clit, and not a penis. Regardless of my chemical composition I am still very much a female, at least in my mind.

I feel kind of stupid that I got to be 24 before I realized this was enough of a problem that I needed help. I have known for ages about my Aspergers. I just thought that because I related differently to people, and did not show my emotions in quite the usual way, that somehow that caused me to be not so easily satisfied sexually. I mean I could easily have orgasms, but I always wanted more. That is actually part of the reason I started coming here, to find a way of making the orgasms more intense thinking that would give me better satisfaction. In hindsight I guess I have known for ages that there was something wrong, but I just did not want to have to admit it. But I still never expected it would be anything like having male bits in me. How can you ever expect that?

I might not sound like it but I love my sexuality. I love sex when I can get it, and I love masturbating at other times. I just want to get to a place where I can go out anywhere and not have to take a plastic bag with spare knickers and liners, and not to need to constantly worry about protection from wet patches on my clothing. Where I no longer go home with people I do not even like, simply because I am so horny. Where I can get through an 8 hour work day without desperately wanting to duck into the toilets to masturbate. I still want to feel sexy, but I want to be able to control it, and not have it control me.

It concerns me greatly that this might not work. What if I do not feel sexy anymore? What if I do not want sex? Or do not like sex anymore? What if I feel differently about myself and do not like how I feel? What if .. ..? What if .. ..? What if .. ..? Honestly I am scared shitless. I feel so alone. Even more alone than earlier this year when my mother died. I have no idea what I want from writing this. I am just in a strange mood and somehow need to say all of this. I am not looking for more medical advice, or for sympathy. I guess I just need a voice. An outlet. And another drink or three.