In the middle

Ah, this orgasm denial stuff is hard. I feel like Goldilocks - this is too intense, that's too long, this is too mean - but I do enjoy it, and I certainly know my master does, so we'll have to muddle through. We had a tease last week that was very hard for me, so the most recent one was more gentle. Perhaps you know about it, because I thanked him for it here. Anyway, that one ended a few days ago - very nicely, I might add - but I felt badly afterward because, for some reason, I wasn't able to, or chose not to, beg my master for release in the way that I know he enjoys. Here's something I wrote:

Last night I knew he'd let me come in the end, but that he'd make me wait for it. I knew it was safe to beg; I was planning to, I was planning not to hold back on that... But then, I don't know, maybe it's like how when you've been denied for a while it can be hard to come; I'd been holding back on the begging for few days, so maybe I'd gotten into a different habit. I begged him to tease me, to use me, to do as he liked with me, but I didn't beg him to let me come. Maybe because I knew he would? I don't know. For whatever reason I didn't. And I feel so bad about that. My goodness, there was really only one thing left that he truly enjoys and gravitates toward, and I didn't even give him that. Damn.

Writing about it helped me think it through a little bit more, what I'd been worried about, what I'd been holding back on. I sent him a text. Here is our conversation.

My very dear master. I'm approaching you on my belly. I'm crawling across the floor to you. I'm pressing my face to your boot. I have a favor to beg of you.

- I'm putting my boot on your neck... Yes, my cowering slave?

Sir. I beg you to use me again before I leave. I beg you to make me beg. If you have me edge for you I will beg no matter what because I can't help it. I do not ask you to let me come at the end. Even if it's hard you know it's always OK. Please use me hard, I beg you.

- I will use you hard, I will make you beg, I will be cruel, I will show no mercy, I will use you as I see fit, your suffering pleases me. You are mine, your body has been given to me, it belongs to me to use however I wish. You have granted me this, I will take it. Do not be surprised when I use you as you have begged me to.

So, um, yeah, I guess I'm not surprised. Last night was a bit of a marathon. Teasing myself for 45 minutes - I used some mild breast constriction, and alternated between stroking myself lightly through my panties and using a vibe not quite on my clit - and then a long phone session that involved clothespins and then 30 minutes of these agonizing, slow strokes with one finger just over my clit. It ended with me reaching my hips toward my finger and fucking my clit on it. If I'd wanted to be reduced to mindless begging, I surely was. The original plan had included another 30 minutes of edging after that, but I think my master felt that there wasn't much left to break down at that point.

This morning I was instructed to engage in another tease. First the clothespins. They hurt a lot; it's very hard for me to keep them on, and when I do I have very cruel fantasies about endless, painful teases. And then stroking my clit again, so lightly, so slowly, 30 seconds on and 30 seconds off. When it came time to move my hips into my finger I was wild, fucking my clit hard against it, getting so close...

And now, another phone call. Ordinarily I wouldn't post this now, as I like things to have a little more, hm, narrative shape to them, but I'm going out of town tomorrow and won't be able to post for a while. So this is where I am, having decided to open myself up to a little more intensity, feeling it - intensely.

* * *

A bit of an update. He did tease me on the phone, of course, and I did beg. To be allowed an orgasm, to be denied, to be able to touch harder, to suffer for him, to feel only what he wanted me to feel... He started with clothespins on my nipples, and for some reason they hurt much more than they have before. Perhaps because I put them on in the dark? I thought, I'm holding my nipple in one hand, how hard can it be to get a clothespin on it? No shit, Sherlock. Perhaps I'll turn the light on next time. So, yeah, that was pretty painful. He talked me through it, and by the time they came off I was deep, deep into submission, like trying to swim through honey. I'd writhed around a bit, though, and broken my position - and, you know, he seldom scolds me for stuff like that, and he didn't this time, but I wind up feeling pretty bad about it...

Anyway, the teasing commenced. Long slow strokes up my pussy, across my wet cunt, around my sensitive cunt lips, finally reaching my clit, and slowly, so slowly over it, begging to touch harder, longer, hearing his voice in the background, counting up, getting close to when I'd be required to stop touching, my begging getting more frantic, and... off. And then a wait, perhaps thanking him, perhaps begging him, again getting more and more worked up, and... begin. Put your hand below your pussy. Slowly stroke up... Over and over until my mouth was dry and my vision dark and my secretions were no longer thin and light but were thick and heavy and when I'd begin the tease again I'd have to pry my lips away from swollen clit before I could even start.

At the end it was the hip thrusting, against my finger, softly at first and then harder. The last one was allowed to be as hard as I liked, and lasted for two minutes, and I was on the edge in the first ten seconds. I was forbidden to beg by then, so all I could do was moan...

I'm leaving town for a while and I won't be able to speak to my master very much. I have some instructions, but mostly, I think, my instructions are to remain hot, and swollen, and heavy with desire, until I speak with him again.