Finding a partner, frustrating

db - I am in much the same situation and share much of your frustration. Sometimes not having a (like-minded) lover drives me to distraction (or web sites like this). But (s)he is there somewhere. And possibly better than you imagine. Think of the best things that happened in your life. I am sure that you didn't plan them or have a strategy to acquire them - but they came out of the blue, a chance meeting. So when I feel like you did when you wrote this letter I (try to) remind myself to focus on my good points and strengths and not obsess about the (same) missing thing in my life. Try not to let this need you feel drag the rest of your life state down - because (as my Buddhist friends keep reminding me) then no-one will find you attractive.

Carry on: love is coming, love is coming, to us all.

Hi db,

You might try attending workshops that interest you at Good Vibrations. Once you get to know someone, if there's a connection, she may be open to a polite request like, "I hope this isn't too forward, but I find you're very attractive and I'm wondering if you're into any kind of power play involving orgasm denial or teasing?"

Good luck.

I know there are a hell of a lot of spam/scams on them, but there are more than enough genuine people on them, especially if you limit your search to people living in your area, I mostly use collarme cos it's free and has a huge population, but there may be others...location specific sites are often considerably less spammed, although also usually less members...just be yourself, single submissive women in their 40s aren't overly rare in my xp. Good luck

The BSDM scene thing is nowhere for me; it seems to all be about stuff that doesn't turn me on, like flogging, leather, rubber, wax, corsets, whips, elaborate rope tricks, and a million other fetishes that aren't mine. And it's also about "no sex", which is counter to what I'm looking for. The most annoying thing about the scene I've found is the "no sexual contact" restriction. Sorry, without any kind of sexual contact, there's nothing there for me.

The Good Vibes workshop/class idea is a good idea, which I will try again, although it hasn't worked for me in the past. It's often considered a no-no to approach people at those things. I've done tantra classes and stuff like that, many years ago, but most people at those tend to be couples.

I think a lot of it has to do with being "emotionally available". I'm not, really. I'm kind of in my own little world which is closely-guarded, and there's not much room for anyone else. I'm horny, yes. Eager for a play partner, definitely. Would love to share that experience with someone and play her body like an instrument. But a romance or relationship? Not interested.

Maybe I should look around for women with similar needs to mine: a busy, complete, emotionally-full life, no time or interest for a serious romantic relationship, but interested in exploring tantalism as a recreation just for fun. Where to find such a person? A different question entirely.

Fetlife is pretty cool. They have an orgasm denial and orgasm control group even. Nice people. But so far, no luck in finding any kind of partner yet.