Exploring new things

Well, due to some recent changes in my personal life, I'm no longer in a relationship, we broke it off earlier this April. It was a mutual thing - we are just going to different places and it is time to move on. My partner of over three years moved out on April 15. No sympathy please; this has been long in the making, and I think we both knew it would not last forever.

So since I've been on my own, I've been exploring fantasies both old and new, and also exploring new sensations this month. Currently, without a partner, I'm in a phase of abstinence, but surely that doesn't mean I can't have some excitement as well.

After actively working on reducing my clitoral sensation for several years, I've recently been inspired by Kris and others here into trying one of those sexual stimulant gels. I've been trying to get my hands on Liquid V, but it appears I would have to mail order it. Instead, I've been using Lifestyles Excite gel, which seems to work quite well for me. After conditioning myself for so long to avoid the danger zone where orgasm is imminent, this certainly has opened some barriers that I had built up for myself.

I've been edging myself recently, the first time I've done so in a very long time. For the most part, I had been always keeping my sensations somewhere, I would guess, up to about 93%, just below that danger zone where you can actually feel an orgasm about to happen. Using something that gives extra stimulation has given me that extra couple of percent to start crossing over into the edge again, where I need to stop and cool down before I restart. Not what I am used to - I'm used to extended lovemaking without stopping. But without a partner, now just stimulating myself, it seems easier to ramp up and ramp down.

I certainly have not really been pushing my limits as far as they can go, and I now realize how much more respect I have for the other people here that push themselves to the very edge before stopping. It certainly is more frustrating! I don't know how some of you do it. And I'm beginning to get tempted now to actually try going all the way to having an orgasm. Something I have not done in such a very long time that I wasn't even sure my body still knew how to do it.

So while that thought is in my mind, I've decided to be nefarious and put myself on a no-touch period, of sorts, for at least the next month. I've recently discovered a new favorite way to masturbate. I simply concentrate on the sensations in my pelvic floor, gently squeezing and relaxing the PC muscles, generating a sort of regular contraction. While I do this, I keep my nipples stimulated and close my eyes. I do not allow myself to touch my clitoris or have any other sexual stimulation than what I can build by gently undulating on the bed, focusing my attention on the sexual energy in my pubic area, trying so hard and wanting so bad to draw that feeling up into greater sensation. Not only is it impossible for me to get anywhere near orgasm this way, it has a side effect of making me incredibly horny. Lately, I've been adding the excite gel to this, putting a good squeeze of it on my clit and rubbing it in - and that is the only clitoral stimulation I allow myself.

After 30 minutes of teasing myself like this, I am a complete mess. I end up shaking and I get this compulsive urge to shake my legs, hips, and buttocks rapidly on the bed, alternating that with the agony of slowly squirming around, trying desperately to find some way to increase the sensation. My breathing goes crazy, almost like a bastrika style pranayama, and this certainly puts the mind in a very altered state - giving an intense buzzing feeling throughout the whole body. After about 30 minutes, the gel wears off for me, and I usually stop then, although I've twice applied it again and spent an hour like this.

This is absolutely the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced, and it has now become my new favorite way to masturbate. Despite recently discovering my ability to edge myself again, or perhaps, in some self-chastising way, because of that discovery, I have decided that this is all I will allow myself for at least the next month. I will do this daily before bed, except of course for one week when it would not really be purposeful, but I promise at least 21 days of this for myself between now and the month of June. And at least 10 of them will be full one hour sessions.

I might even get really inspired and finish my masterpiece.

You also might have noticed a certain change in my stories recently, hopefully they should be open to more readers regardless of certain preferences. Some of them got really squicky over the past year, but now I'm sort of redirecting that into less extreme forms. I think I was reaching out and using my writing as an outlet for a certain frustration that had crept into my life. Yes, this is related to my personal life, you might certainly be able to guess how that could be, but lets just say that at least I would like to keep personal.

Kelly