Briefly there have been some very good recent experiences that I want to remember. I find myself back on another business trip this week, hornier than I can remember being in a long time. This is not due to any abnormal amount of masturbation (there has been plenty of that for a long time...) but rather due to a fantastic experience last night where (somewhat unexpectedly) my girlfriend and I had some amazingly great sex. What made it so amazingly great was that she really got off on it (twice) and I did not and she remarked how much she enjoyed the fact that I was so obviously still aroused. The sex yesterday was very, very clearly intended for her pleasure; we had just come from the shower (one of my favorite times for sexual activity) and I started kissing her lightly, then going down on her, and soon she ordered me into her.
To tell the truth, it took more willpower and focus of the mind than I expected and many deep breaths to keep from cumming while we were having sex. It lasted what felt like a long time and I was sweating and shaking by the end. It took all my might to calm down after the experience when she ordered me to withdraw and help her get off with the use of my fingers. (That is almost another tease itself; I realize I have never actually felt her orgasming on my cock, though my fingers relatively frequently feel the incredible sensations of her vagina clenching down on them. My cock is jealous, in that good, teased way.) She then recovered and held me close as she masturbated herself to another powerful orgasm and it took all I could to keep from moaning with her. And yet I also felt so...incredibly content, fulfilled, and (almost) satisfied. It was wonderful.
This is one of the first times I've felt her so clearly feeling not only okay with, but truly enjoying my sexual frustration while she enjoys her own orgasms. And that is so hot. She has recently been remarking more often about how sexy she finds my horniness and how she "likes me like that." She has said this before, but she has not ever acted on it so decisively. She even hinted toward the possibility of a treat later that night, but when later came she non-chanantly (and as result, very sexily) told me she'd prefer to keep me horny this week. Naturally, I felt a little twinge of disappointment...I very much want an orgasm...but every time she says this to me, whenever she says how much enjoyment my state brings her, I feel a surge of arousal right along with a surge of whatever that feeling is when she congratulates me or tells me that I'm a good boy--accomplishment may be the best word for it. It's addictive, and I want more. I love making her happy this way and I love that this makes her happy.
Anyway...tonight I am nearly consumed by thoughts of this spending time with her this weekend. The more I see her enjoyment, the more I want it to continue and the more I look forward to whenever the next time I can witness it will be.
And on a related note, I just want to make mention of the comments and entry at lucy_k's "Ready to try again" post, mostly because I want to remember that I wrote some things there and want to point this blog to them. Here're my comments:
"Lucy, that echoes my feelings almost identically. Short term denial, yes, it's fun, but it's not what really fuels my fantasies. All my major teasing fantasies involve being denied for extended periods--weeks or months, sometimes longer--and being kept "primed" throughout the denial period. (And when I'm really feeling masochistic, the relief at the end is usually a frustrated, no/low-pleasure release.)
"I can't say exactly why that is. I've done considerable amounts of soul searching to try and figure that out but have still turned up without a definitive answer. I love reading your self-analytical posts beacuse it suggests new avenues of self-exploration for me to dive into. (That, and the 24 hour rule during a self-denial period is actually brilliant.)
"I also agree with you that some balance between teasing without orgasms and simple denial of sexual stimulation is important to get to. I've been struggling lately with something very much like what Belle describes, where not accidentally cumming is harder for me to do than it used to be. There may be additional factors involved in this, but I do think it's true that this is partly a psychological thing that goes in cycles. Trying to find the right balance of sexual teasing and abstinent denial is like trying to manage the constant ebb and tide of the ocean.
"Best of luck! And do please keep writing.
As an addendum, I'm beginning to think that one of the reasons why I fantasies about no/low-pleasure releases so much is because, well, they provide little relief and they allow me to ramp up to a sexually primed, frustrated state much quicker and with far less of an after-afterglow "let-down" than when I experience a full, pleasured orgasm. As I've written about before, what I truly crave (I think) is the arousal, tension, frustration, pressure, and stimulation prior to orgasm than the orgasm itself.
"Just another ditto comment; without orgasm and when permitted masturbation, I masturbate a lot. (Now's one of those times...it's been 7 days so far....) But I find it's actually helpful to keep masturbating without orgasm during a denial period. Simple denial with no sexual stimulation has me loosing interest in the idea of denial rather quickly.
"I'm still searching for emotional explanations for that, too."
And that's true for many reasons; it not also provides the fulfillment of that desire mentioned above, but it can relieve stress, too.
Finally, in the midst of all this, another friendship may be budding into something more sexual (with the total awareness and happiness of both my girlfriend and the other friend), but what's relevant about that is my current dedication to my girlfriend. It's very clear to me that it's truly important to me to keep my orgasms sacred between my girlfriend and I. Even though my other friend is well aware of this arrangement, I want to bring it up in regards to our possibly changing relationship in explicit conversation before anything is actually done. I'm curious to see how something like this would pan out both emotionally for all involved and in practice.