5 months down, 7 months to go

It’s so hard not to cum right now.

It’s been 5 months since I last orgasmed, and it will be at least 7 before I orgasm again.

I woke up so aroused, I had to edge myself. Leisurely, staying way back from the edge, I aroused myself over and over again, for at least an hour, till my mind was swimming with thoughts of sex, pain, penetration, orgasm, ejaculation, sadomasochism – big blue black bruises all over my traitorous body, punishment for being a whore, holes being stretched open.

Sir told me to do 10 minutes with the bit gag and the black clover clamps, which I did, and ohhh… it was so much more painful than I remembered. The arousal was consuming, I just lay there naked, on my back, legs apart, the clamps gripping my nipples, mouth unseemly spread open by the bit gag, feeling more animal – more object – than woman. The thought of being able to decide my own fate seems light years away, I can’t remember what it’s like to be the person who can put her own hands in her cunt, her tits, stroke, caress, bring to orgasm. I can’t remember what it’s like to have that power or that independence. Sir made me do 20 minutes in the end, and by the time I took the clamps off, groaning and hissing behind the gag, I was deep in a submissive mindstate, wanting Sir’s big cock sliding into his wet, open pussy, pulling on the clamps with his teeth, spurting cum deep into me, leaving me a wet, sore, trembling mess.

For the first time today, the idea of cheating occurred to me. I was thinking about how I promised myself I would never masturbate to orgasm again, the weightiness of that burden, the sheer length of time contained in ‘never’. I wondered how often people in denial cheated. I edged myself again, and it would have been so easy, so satisfying to push myself over the edge. I remembered how I used to make myself cum hard, and then rush to the mirror to admire the post-orgasmic blush all over my face and neck. It made me wonder if I should be edging at all – it has so many risks, and the temptation is so strong. And it only gets stronger as the time goes on. It’s been over 6 months since I masturbated to orgasm. I can barely remember what that feels like anymore. But I want it more than ever.

I calculated the other day that my longest time in denial was 22 weeks and 5 days. Sir and I knew it would get difficult as it approached my previous longest time, that’s the way denial seems to work for me. I can always go as long as the last time, it’s going longer that’s difficult. Well, it’s currently been 21 weeks and 2 days – so just 10 more days to go. I guess this is where the arousal starts to be overwhelming, where I stop feeling that I can do this easily and start to feel that I need to cum, now, right now, that I can’t go any longer. I know Sir has been waiting eagerly for this – from the beginning he said he was looking forward to getting to 6 months, and seeing how desperate I was then. And the excruciating thing is that I still have so long to go – it’s not a question of holding on for another week, or few weeks, or month or two months – I still have 7 long months to go. And even after I get to the end, and even after Sir gives me an orgasm (if he gives me an orgasm) I still have to face up to the reality that I will never be able to give myself an orgasm again. That I don’t deserve it. Heavy, really heavy. It seemed easy when I was agreeing to it at the end of last year – why would I need to masturbate? Why would I need to orgasm? I wanted to learn what sexual service truly was.

I know I should be grateful for this lesson. I’m going to be made to experience a level of arousal and sexual frustration that I hitherto had no idea of. I’m going to be used for Sir’s physical satisfaction and relief, without ever experiencing my own. 2012 will be the year I never had a single orgasm, the first year of my adult life that has occurred. I will feel so proud of myself by the end. But damn, I am so horny right now. I would give almost anything to orgasm. The thought of masturbation seems so good and so satisfying. I can’t remember why I ever wanted to give it up.

7 more months to go – and the easy first stage is definitely over.

chastity xxx