Reflections On Our First Session

During my first session, Sir agreed that I could post my reflections as blog entries so the tone of these have shifted from letters to him to more of a blog entry format. I've kept up with showing writing down when I started each entry though, so you can get a feel for timing.

5/12/2012
1:43pm:

This was the first time I've submitted to someone sexually and had someone take explicit control of my orgasm. (there's always a sort of implicit control in sex with partners I think). Before we turned on the webcam, I was instructed to strip to my bra and panties and tease myself while he read my thoughts on last night's instructions to touch myself only through my panties. I gladly did this, and soon I was feeling pretty hot and wet. Then we turned on the webcam.

Our session was a series of firsts for me: I've never actually done cybersex in any form, let alone via video, and I've only ever masturbated in front of a lover once. At that time, the experience made me more embarrassed than interested, largely due to issues with the relationship itself. This time, I was already so turned on, and because I'd written and shared my feelings about the experience over the past two days, I didn't feel at all shy. (Besides, he'd seen me with my morning hair and crappy t-shirt when we'd first chatted via webcam...not sexually...and so I knew I couldn't look much worse than that after having gotten up and gotten myself together to some extent.).

Sir asked me to refer to him as “Sir” which I will do for the remainder of this entry.

Sir first had me take a submissive position, on my knees with my fingers threaded together, arms splayed behind my head. Because my futon is lofted close to the ceiling, I had to bend forward a bit to maintain this position. We talked a bit about ourselves and our expectations for the conversation. He asked me if I was interested in coming today, and I said I wanted to hold off because I'm going to the club tonight and I wanted to be a hot mess for that and maybe find a girl and make out with her (it's a GLBT event). He agreed, and further affirmed that he would be in control of when I came but that I was required to be honest at each moment about how I was feeling and if I felt the denial was becoming too much.

As I talked, the position began to strain my muscles after a bit, but maintaining it was a turn on for me. After a bit, he said I could sit down, which was a relief, though I still had to maintain the arm positioning. When he was ready, he asked me to start playing with myself through my panties. I teased my nipples, ran my fingers over my body, and rubbed at my crotch, pushing the fabric and and out of my hot, wet pussy. The scrape of the fabric over my clit was tantalising but not enough to get me close to the edge. Knowing that he was watching and getting turned on (hopefully) by this also added intensely to the arousal.

When he said I could go under my panties, it was such a relief. The fabric of my panties seemed to keep sucking the moisture from my cunt, but now that I was inside, I could swirl that moisture and glide my fingers over my clit, increasing the pleasure. We continued talking about all manner of topics. He asked me about what anime I liked and I started talking about Monster (one of my all time favorites about a doctor who makes what seems like the right decision to save a life, realizes it's wrong, and his descent into darkness as he tries to correct his mistake). While I was talking, I was touching a bit on autopilot. Sometimes though, the sensations would overwhelm me, causing me to lose my train of thought. Then I realized that I was very close to cumming.

At this point, Sir asked me how I was doing (I think I lost track of my place in the sentence) and I said very good but that I was close. He told me to take my hand out from under my panties. I did as instructed. Then he asked me a question and without thinking, while answering it, my hand moved down to my panties to touch myself again. I immediately apologized, and he asked me if I had touched myself. I said I had, and he said that I would have to be punished. He asked me to turn around and slap myself five times on the ass. I did this, though I wasn't able to hit as hard as I'd have liked because the ceiling made it difficult for me to get a good swing. I expected this to kill my arousal, but actually the slight burning pain intensified the experience. I wanted to hit myself harder, or better, have someone else there to do it for me. I've always considered myself uninterested in pain, but this was actually quite fun. I think it's the denial.

After that, we chatted some more. He gave me permission to touch myself over my panties again. Sir is incredibly attentive, always asking me how I'd doing and what I'm feeling. I really like that because (like this writing) it forces me to focus on my arousal and how it's affecting my body and mind. We started talking again as I touched myself. I was wetter than even before. He asked me if there was anything I would like (it's a bit fuzzy at this point and I realize I was more distracted than I thought because while this was only a couple of hours ago, I've lost track of the exact order of events).

Sir was stroking his cock while I was touching myself, though the angle of the camera meant that I couldn't see it. Somehow it ended up that I asked if I could see his cock. He said that I needed to ask more nicely, so I said, “Can I please see your lovely, hard, beautiful cock.” He said that I had forgotten an important part, and I thought about it for a few seconds and said, “sir?” He said that was correct, but then added that because I had failed to add the honorific in the first place that I should be punished again.

This time, instead of having me slap my ass, he asked me to put the clothes pins I had mentioned having on my nipples. I had tried clothes pins once before on my nipples, first the weekend before where I'd ended up cumming three times over the course of the evening, and again during my first night of denial where I edged myself 19 times. Though I liked these clothes pins, I had been using them for a long time to hang clothes, and it seemed like they were a bit old and had lost some of their pinch. Because of this, I'd gone to Daiso the night before and bought new ones that seemed to be of a good pressure (not too hard and smooth where they gripped). I'd tried the new ones on my nipples the night I bought them, but the pain had seemed too much after a few seconds so I'd stopped. This time, Sir told me to clamp them to my nipples for 2 minutes. I did it, unsure if I'd be able to handle it that long, and the pain amplified my arousal so much that even though I was not allowed to touch or simulate myself in any way, I ended up thrusting my hips into bare air because the sensation of pain and arousal was just so encompassing. After two minutes I was even more wet and desperate. Sir told me that I had a choice, I could either take the clothes pins off and not touch myself, or I could leave them on and touch myself. Without hesitation I chose to touch myself. At this point I was whimpering and feeling really, really submissive.

After that, I was allowed to strip my panties and after arranging the camera so he had a good view, I was able to finger myself at will. It was so unbelievably good. He asked me to put a finger in my cunt, and then two and finally three while still fingering my clit. All this time, he kept talking with me (though I don't remember about what) and the sensations were just so good. I wanted to cum, but I also wanted to prolong the denial. We had agreed at the beginning of the session that I wouldn't be cumming tonight, and I'd wanted that, but with the fingers inside of me my body wanted to override my mind and send me cascading into a mind blowing orgasm. He asked me how close I was, and I said pretty close. I wasn't on the edge yet though. He asked me if I was as close as I'd ever been without stopping, and I said “not yet,” and he told me to keep going. I told him I was closer and closer and then that I was very soon about to cum. He told me to stop, and I did, legs open and fingers gripping my inner thighs as I breathed through the sensation.

At first, it didn't seem so bad, but then the frustration flowed through me and I really wanted to touch myself again. I realized I'd been closer even than I had thought, and the aftermath of stopping was really affecting me. I wanted to rub against something, or run my hand over my cunt, anything to just feel a little more. But I didn't want to disappoint Sir so I held myself together. I'd told him that I was going to a club tonight earlier, and he asked me again what I'd planned to do at the club. I mentioned that I was interested in making out with a girl and that while I was much more attracted to men than women, it was a GLBT event and as such the ladies were on my mind. I also reaffirmed that I didn't want to break my denial. As frustrating as it was, I really enjoyed the longing and desperation.

He told me that I wasn't allowed to touch myself at all until we chatted again (the next evening) and that while I was allowed to bump and grind at the club, if I did make out with a girl, I'd have to tell her about the fact that I wasn't allowed to cum. Further I had to wear the same wet panties that I'd worn for our session and my short dress with nothing on it. After we finished our chat, I ended up laying with my legs open in a sort of haze on my futon for another 10 minutes. It took me that long to get myself together enough not to succumb to the urge to rut against any available surface.

Now as I type this, I'm on the train. There's a girl next to me who is asleep with her hair covering her face. I often type whatever on the train because the chances of whoever's next to me being able to read enough English to understand it is pretty remote, but there's still a certain thrill in typing up these sorts of experiences in a public place where theoretically anyone could see you. I'm almost at my destination.

Things I've learned from this:

1. I'm submissive. I may also be Dominant, I don't know, but at this point I know I really, really like giving control to someone else. I like pushing my limits and knowing that my frustration is making him happy. During the conversation, I found myself easily falling into the speech patterns of submission, asking permission before taking action and losing track of myself in the experience. I wanted to be given orders, and I'm happy to be following them. Now, knowing that I can't touch myself (and I really, really want to) is just turning me on so intensely. (and the vibrations of the train are driving me NUTS!) It wouldn't be so intense if I was doing it for myself (and I'd probably cave into my desire and get myself off,) but knowing that I'm accountable and that it will be a huge disappointment to him (and myself) if I fail in this challenge is making it possible for me to go beyond my limits.

2. I like some pain, especially nipple related. I'd like to see how far this goes. I doubt I'm going to go into anything truly extreme, but a little bit really jumps up the arousal.

3. I'm wearing my wet panties, which smell of arousal which will be even more apparent tonight in the incredibly short dress I'm wearing to the club, and this is really turning me on. Sir said I might be into a bit of public humiliation, and this may be true. We'll see tonight. I do like the idea of being so aroused and wondering if people can tell.

10:00pm: (before the club) I'm typing this in a cafe. I had met with one set of friends for drinks and they left and I have about a half hour before my next set of friends arrives, so I wanted to update on my day. The no touch has been driving me nuts. It's incredibly good that I have to be out all night because I don't think I could stand it if I was alone at any point this evening. It's all I can do to minimize squirming and shifting in chairs just to get some sensation. It's not constant. Sometimes I feel normal, and other times the arousal just washes through me. Drinking tonight didn't help that much. It's just made it harder to maintain my control. I hope I survive my club experience!