Sublimation
I've always had a tendency to develop emotionally intimate and deeply loving friendships. For a long time, I just sort of thought that was how friendship worked, but it would appear that what I'm experiencing is a bit outside the norm, and acknowledging that it's always difficult to really compare one's internal experiences with another, still, it seems like I feel love and compassion, in general and specifically for platonic friends, more intensely than the average person.
Upon reflection, I wonder how much of this all has to do with frustrated sexual desire. Chakrically (don't know if it's a word, but it should be) speaking, you channel sexual desire in your navel chakra up through your will chakra in the solar plexus and into the heart chakra, sublimating it into pure love. So I'm considering the fact that I have a broad range of what I find physically attractive and I'm more attracted by personality than appearance, and hence, I'm sexually attracted to my friends. My close friendships tend to start out as crushes, and for one reason or another, they're not interested in hooking up with me, so we just become close friends. And the sexual desire goes away after a while, or at any rate I'm so resigned to never being able to act on it that I don't think of it much. Maybe I've just been unconsciously sublimating that sexual energy into deeper love.
I've had this thought amorphously floating around my mind for a while. This is just me finally putting some words to it. I think this is why I've been so drawn to orgasm denial, partly because I'm already used to sublimating my sexual desires and partly because it's good practice in the discipline that my relationships require. I also wonder: if it's the sublimation of sexual desire that's fueling the intensity of the love that I feel, then does that mean that if I actually had a sexually fulfilling relationship that I would end up loving my partner less than if they had turned out to be another of my "let's just be friends" crushes?
It feels appropriate to deny myself orgasms and despite shying away from it in the past, it feels entirely appropriate to be denying my pussy any pleasurable stimulation right now. I'm not closed to the possibility of romance, but I've been considering lately that celibacy seems to suit me, and maybe that's just how my story goes.
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Comments
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your journey with us, S. I admire your acceptance of yourself.
Wants
This makes sense to me
Thank you for your thought-provoking post, Sebastina.
Although I haven't had a crush turn into a platonic friendship myself, I think I've often felt a similar sense of sublimated sexual desire being channeled into emotional intimacy. As a strongly introverted person, I've never had more than a handful of friends at any particular time, but sometimes the craving for intimacy is so much that I have to be careful not to smother those close to me with excessive attention, or unwittingly violate their personal space and comfort zones. Desire for physical touch is one major part of this, but it's never been of a sexual nature per se.
Since my husband and I have been together, I've been fortunate to have him as a patient and even appreciative outlet for this sort of craving, sparing my friends most of the over-the-top stuff.
The sexual side of our relationship has not compromised our degree of emotional closeness. In fact the two even seem to complement and reinforce one another, so long as we're making love in a way that isn't orgasm-centered. As you've probably noticed, an orgasm can bring all the lovely feelings crashing down for a while, albeit only a week or two, and knowing in advance what's likely to happen helps me maintain the willpower to avoid falling off the wagon, and to better work through the "down" period when we do slip up.