Finally Adjusting

I was prescribed Paxil some time ago and started it taking per Doctors orders (for anxiety and depression). It wasn’t long before I found out that one of the side effects I would experience was delayed orgasm. In my case very delayed orgasms, in that I couldn’t cum no matter how long or hard I masturbated. The first time this happened I stopped taking it out of worry that somehow it might cause a permanent orgasm problem. It didn’t. I regained the ability to orgasm within a week or so. I started taking it again not long after I recovered the power of orgasm thinking that maybe I would adjust, given a bit more time, but, I didn’t.
I really was trying though. I began to masturbate every day. I hadn’t jerked off that often in years. I began to go at it longer and longer each time until I realized I was sometimes stroking myself for forty five minutes at a stretch. Eventually however, I’d get so tired, or more often, so frustrated, that I’d just have to stop. But it always left me aching for more. I was sometimes masturbating even more than once a day. I just was dying to feel an orgasm. I could remember so well the pleasure of the pulsing contractions and the satisfaction of a good orgasm coming to an end that I just had to try again. The frustration of not achieving an orgasm was hell, but the often and prolonged touching was also starting to feel very good.

I thought about stopping again but I wanted to see where I could take this new aspect of sexuality. After a while, the way I masturbated myself began to change. I began to really take my time and I started to always stroke very slowly. I knew I wasn’t going to cum anyway so I figured the usual fast rush to the finish was just making me tired anyway and forcing me to stop before I wanted to.
I began to concentrate on the other sensations I could cause in my dick. But my god, the slow relentless stroking I could now inflict on myself caused me ten-fold the frustration of the usual quick stroking to unfulfilled exhaustion. Before the Paxil, I never could keep a real edging session going for long. I’d get to the point where couldn’t help myself. I’d be on the verge of cumming, I’d really want to cum, I’d just stroke a little faster, and cum. I never could see what the big deal was.

Before long I started thinking along very kinky lines. Knowing that cumming was just not, no matter what, going to happen, I began to think instead of causing myself some real serious, painful, frustration. As a matter of fact, masturbation became all about the pain and frustration of prolonged unfulfilled masturbation. At some point I realized I was a bit afraid of what I had made of the harmless little practice of lubing up and jacking off. I was afraid, but at the same time, very turned on because I knew that anytime I started to masturbate there was no way I could stop before causing myself the most excruciatingly intense sexual frustration I was capable of producing. I had to, that’s where the satisfaction was going to have to come from. I started to look for ways to make it worse, better.

I know I writhe and thrash around on the bed. I think I moan out load begging myself to stop, then not to stop. I beg out loud for the ability to be able to, just this once, have a full and satisfying orgasm, to finally cum. Then I beg that I not to be able to cum at all, ever. Oh, for sure, just the thought of being in this state of insatiable frustration forever should make me cum right, but it doesn’t. But, whatever the case, I keep going until my body has had enough and becomes numb to any further stimulation. It’s hell but it’s heaven. And the cool part is that I know I won’t be able to keep myself from doing it to myself all over again, within twenty four hours, or even sooner. You see, I can masturbate as often as I like now that I can’t cum anymore.

I must admit though that I’m weak and I’m afraid that any given morning I might stop taking the medication in order to experience an orgasm a few days later. I really do want to cum again. But I really like how intense, painful, and frustrating masturbating is when I can’t cum. Every time I lube up my dick and start to stroke I think that maybe this will be the time I’ll be able to cum. It has happened. I’ve cum while on Paxil a few times. But as yet I don’t see any pattern to it so I don’t know how to cheat the Paxil and insure that I’ll be able to cum before I start to masturbate. Once I’ve begun and I get the feeling that I won’t be able to cum once again it’s far too late to stop the wonderfully harsh self-torment that is sure then to follow.

Several times I have skipped a dose thinking that I deserve a few good orgasms. But thank god I’ve later in the day or a day later gotten horny and swallowed that day’s pill. I feel so defeated thinking I was on the way to great orgasms once again but that I couldn’t keep my deviant sexual self from doing what was necessary to keep itself fully in this state of wanton need, desire, desperation.

However to completely insure I continue taking the Paxil as always I may have to ask my wife to assist in my compliance. She knows what effect it has on my ability to orgasm, but completely contrary to the truth, I’ve assured her that I really don’t miss having orgasms that much. In fact I’d love it if she knew the whole story and if she then would insist that I continue to take the pills as before. As a matter of fact, I would love her to invent a little ritual involving her giving me the pill and making sure I take it. I would hope she’d state each time how happy she is that she can be the one who keeps me from being able to orgasm.

Every time I see the pills now I start to get a hard on knowing how easily they inflict the awesome level of frustration they do. How great, I think, would it be if it were my wife who were to really be the cause of my frustration.
Now I’m going to bed, lube up and take a ride on the frustration train.