male denial, bi male

Sometime's she'll do this thing where she'll move in for a kiss, but her lips only barely brush against mine. It's not a real kiss. It's more like a ghostly after-image of a kiss. Ordinarily it's not too hard to take, but when started doing that when she came back the other night after she'd been gone for so long, it was a lot more teasing than I remembered it ever being.

For pretty much the whole night, she wouldn't let me feel anything other than one of those phantom kisses. I got hard at the first one and immediately wanted to make out but she pinned me down (first down on the bed and then, after stripping my clothes off, against the front door) and kept her mouth just out of reach of mine. I guess noting how horny I already was, she would occasionally take hold of my penis between the tips of two of her fingers in one hand and ever so lightly move them up to the head while giving me those phantom kisses. At that point, even the miniscule amount of stimulation she was giving my penis made me completely melt; I was dripping precum in no time.

Okay...I'm totally changing my screen saver away from my pr0n collection since I've run out of my orgasm rations several days early. Boo on me.

Lots happened in the past several weeks! As a result of these things, she and I have spent a lot of time apart. First I was out of the state, now she is. We got to spend a wonderful weekend a few weeks ago together, which was nice. Prior to that, while I was out of the state, I was released from any sort of chastity (both from the chastity device and otherwise imposed), though my lack of privacy in the hotel room proved to be enough of a detterent on most nights.

When I got back home, however, I was having orgasms left and right. During our weekend together I was once again forbidden to cum or masturbate with permission from her, but I was so happy to see her that it didn't really matter at first. I had, however, become somewhat accustomed to my hands on my penis, so I was permitted to masturbate a few times, yet still forbidden to cum until the last night, when she finally granted me an orgasm.

I'm going to make a horrible generalization and say that being bored is probably the number one instigator of the urge to masturbate. I say this because I think for me it is true. I've been studying all day today and all day yesterday and, while the material is somewhat interesting, studying is not an activity that holds my interest. As a result, my mind wanders. Specifically, since I try to remain focused on the (dry) material, my mind wanders to (less dry) other things, like sex. And that's when I remember I'm all locked up, and do my best to refocus on the material and keep studying.

This happened earlier today and, when I began getting discouraged by my lack of enthusiasm for learning this stuff (which I really must do), I popped into the bedroom. She and I snuggled a bit and I started feeling better. I mentioned that I was (and am) horny and she said that if I was good and studied like I was supposed to, we might be able to do something about that horniness thing later. This ellicited a smile and with a pat on my ass I was sent back to my work, which I was suddenly far more motivated to do. The thought also made me even hornier

I can't write a lot at the moment since I'm in the middle of cooking dinner for us tonight, but I thought it interesting to note some of my thoughts today. I'm genuinely glad, for both fetishistic and non-sexual reasons to be locked back in the CB. Even after all these months, that's probably the first time those two differing motivations have coexisted side-by-side in such a balanced manner. It's a really nice feeling.

For clarity of the record, I was released the night of the 19th (a Thursday) after six days of lock-up. That night, I was treated to some incredible sex (intercourse) and even got to cum during it. One of the things that made the sex so good (besides not having received any stimulation for the previous six days) was just the way it played out.

Dovetailing rather naturally from my previous post about why I like chastity belts, here's an interesting observation I've made (again) today: I seem to be more productive when I'm locked in the CB than when I'm not—in just about every arena of my life. This isn't really a reason why I like the CB so much as yet another effect it has that I happen to like.

I started thinking about this today as I was outside walking to the bank, going to deposit a check, then pick up stuff from home, buy groceries, etc., all while concurrently having the laundry running. It's not really a matter of how much stuff I can do at once (the CB makes no impact on that), but rather it's a question of motivation regarding the use of my time.

I wrote some of this the other day (the 15th) in my pen-and-paper diary. It's relevant, so here's a partial transcription with a bunch of new writing thrown in.

Yesterday she locked me back in the CB. She had asked if I liked being locked. I told her yes, but I couldn't really explain why that was. So after thinking about it for a while, here's a list of reasons why I like being locked and some additional observations on the matter.

Being locked in a CB redirects my sexual energy. I still get horny, but instead of wanting to masturbate or do something to myself to feel release, I direct to her, kissing and otherwise pleasuring her. Since my pleasure can only be experienced by giving sexual pleasure as opposed to receiving it, that's where all my sexual energy is directed.

I couldn't sleep tonight and, unfortunately, I ran out of things to do. This led to reading some email mailing lists, one of which had to do with orgasm denial and that, of course, led to reading porn. Before I knew it, my hands were wandering and I was masturbating a bit. Thankfully, I have not cum, though I still feel bad about being unable to refrain from masturbating since that's not something I'm permitted to do without explicit permission.

I've been having a few emotionally challenging days lately, and I'm pretty sure that led into the break down of my will power tonight. (Not using this as an excuse, just journaling some thoughts.) I've always been more apt to masturbate and self-pleasure when I'm feeling down. It makes perfect sense, of course; orgasms used to be one of my official cheer-up methods when I was depressed. It's just that I haven't been depressed in a long time, so this hasn't ever come up simultaneously with periods of abstinence before. I find myself wishing I was locked in the CB. The reassurance of knowing that at least a satisfying orgasm was out of reach would probably have eased the desire to masturbate tonight.

I've been impressed by the well-thought out information architecture of Tantalism.org for quite a while now. Its interface is simple and efficient, its support for features I enjoy is ample (threaded discussions, blogging, and—best of all—RSS feeds), and its content intelligent, well-written and very hot. The amount of personal detail that this site's members portray is inspiring. A big "well done" to everyone here!

With these positive aspects present in Tantalism.org, and with some prodding from recent personal experience of my own, I've decided to start my own tease and denial journal of sorts, and what better place to do that than a site dedicated for just that purpose. So here I am; long-time lurker, newbie poster to Tantalism.org. Consider this first post my way of dipping my toes in the water. I hope that I'll be welcomed here.