Angeline526's blog

It's been a long, long time since I've posted here. I've wanted to post several times, but I've been afraid, because I have a confession to make.

Most of what I've posted here hasn't been true.

I began posting here because someone I was playing with online encouraged me to post my fantasies as if they were real. We didn't mean any harm -- it was just supposed to be a way for me to explore my fantasies a little more, and to be a bit more open. But as I posted more and more, you were all so supportive and wonderful, and I began to feel guilty about not telling the truth.

I didn't want to post anything untrue anymore, but I also didn't know how to tell you that what I had posted previously was fake, so I basically stopped posting altogether.

While teasing is still a strong interest, we've spent the past few months mainly experimenting with new techiques (the better to torture each other when we tease, I say). Some of it has involved playing in public (a real turn-on for me), and various kinds of obedience (love this, as it's all psychological), but mostly it's been experimenting with various sensations--in the shower with water streaming over my face, on the carpet with wool scratching my back, in the heat, in the cold, wearing a dress, wearing pants, sitting up, lying down, and my favorite, playing with household objects. I've been on the receiving end of a hairbrush handle, a kaleidoscope, a Sharpie marker, and ice. I definitely recommend ice.

I discovered the magic of ice cubes in college, where every dorm room was equipped with a mini fridge/freezer that containued a mini ice tray. It produced small and slightly rounded ice cubes. I also had a room to myself, at the end of a hall and far away from anyone else, which meant I was free to walk around naked, watch porn at an audible volume, and try almost anything that came into my mind, without fear of interruption...

In his blog, db wrote:

I suspect that is what all of us kinky hedonists crave: the ablation of the conscious mind and the complete immersion in the ocean of sensuality. Most humans crave it, and not always necessarily in a sexual context. [...] And what better way to turn it off than to have someone turn you on, to force your mind off, through dominance, submission, a seductive tease, an overload of exquisitely and deliciously unbearable sensation.

This was such a surprise to me, because it's the exact opposite of what I crave. My mind wanders so easily, even during sex, lost in sensations and fantasies and questions. If it doesn't involve conversation, or actively following a story, I let my mind wander--or, more accurately, I withdraw my mind, retreating into my own imagination. And that's not a bad thing, say, at work or during a long commute--but during sex it often makes me feel half-present, so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts and my desires that I'm not fully focused on my partner and the moment. I sometimes even feel that it's no different from making myself come--except that, instead of my own hands, it's someone else's.

But when I'm being denied, I have to focus. I can't get lost in my own fantasies and feelings, because Lauren is there pulling my attention back to her again and again. She gives orders, she asks questions, she makes me speak to her. She makes me guess what she wants. She makes me follow rules. It's not at all like making myself come--my mind is so focused on Lauren, and what she wants, and what my body will do for her. That's what I want from denial, the sense that I will do something for someone else, the sense that I can be focused fully on another person. Instead of turning my mind off, denial turns my mind on, forcing me to meet challenges and follow logic and pay attention.

I hate that I don't get to contribute that often. I'm sorry for not replying very much...but I don't get to play very much, and I don't have much experience, so I always feel like I have nothing to say. Hmm. Maybe that will be my New Year's Resolution, to be more involved here.

Well, at least I can tell you what I've been up to this past month. I think the last time I posted was just after a weekend with Lauren. She surprised me by spending two nights at my place, instead of the usual one. The first night, she teased me for a lonnng time...exclusively with a vibrator, which is unusual for us, but it turned out to be incredibly hot! (It's intimidating to know you're up against a tireless machine, let me tell you.) Once again, I was not bound, but I was not allowed to move...while Lauren had the freedom to explore any part of my body. But she did not touch me at all, she let the toy do all the touching. That resulted in some new (and incredible) sensations...one thing I remember driving me crazy was Lauren turning the vibrator up and rolling it up and down my thigh, almost like a rolling pin, then over my stomach, than back to my thigh. It was amazing. It was just the beginning of our session, but I could actually feel my clit swelling and getting harder as she rolled the vibrator over my stomach...I have never been so desperate to just be touched, I wanted to feel her skin against mine so bad.

It's been a long time since my last post, but I haven't forgotten this place. Unfortunately, I didn't have many chances to play over the last couple of months, what with my job keeping me busy and Lauren being away on business, so there's nothing much to report on that front. Just a lot of talk, and no action. But I am continuing to practice with self-denial...

Since my last post, I've mostly been playing solo, but I've also been exploring what it means to be a sub. I'm thinking of buying The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt...anybody read this? I like their idea that the bottom can be a powerful position, since that was how I felt the first time I tried it.

And on that note, on the few occasions that Lauren and I were able to play, she suggested that I try the top sometime. I didn't feel like I could do it with her...she's a lot more than I could handle ...so we brought back our lovely friend Julia. It was fun, and definitely interesting to see teasing from the other side, but I don't think I'm cut out for the top.

Wow, I go away for a month and I miss all sorts of fun...

While I was gone I was working very hard and thinking about what you've all said, and then I was on vacation and getting a chance to experiment. Before I left, Mongojerry asked me if I fantasized about being held down. I didn't usually, but during my last session of teasing (in my last entry) my ex-girlfriend had held my hips still to keep me from coming, and I found that really sexy...so I started thinking more and more about being held down, and I realized that while I'm starting to like being tied, what I really like is being held. Hands and a body are just so much more attractive than rope. However, I like my partner to tease me with his/her hands and tongue, and being held still during that is not really a viable option, so I my fantasies kept involving a third person to do the holding. So on vacation, I decided to experiment...

Well, rman, Girl Next Door, and Belle suggested that I keep you updated...and since I'm pretty new to this, I thought it might help to see what you all have to say about my progress too...

When you last heard from me, I was asking for advice on self-denial. I'm able to make myself come without touching myself at all, so making the decision to take my hands away was never enough...I needed to know how to take better control of my body. After working on all of your suggestions, I've been able to identify exactly what my body does when I come. As I get closer to orgasm, I spread my legs, lean my head back, arch my back, rhythmically tense and relax my stomach to rock my hips, hold my breath, and of course feel my pussy clenching as if warning me that the orgasm is coming. When I actually do come, I hold my breath before letting it out in a whimper, throw my head back before letting it fall forward, keep my stomach tensed, and bend my legs and pull them closer to my body...and depending on my technique and position, I either spread them wider or clamp them shut when I come, and I haven't quite figure out what causes the difference in reactions. I've found that disrupting these actions can hold off orgasm, although some actions work better than others. I've had the most success with straightening my legs rather than letting myself pull them up, and breathing slow and deep rather than holding my breath...but it seems that even if I disrupt all my usual rhythms and don't touch myself at all, I can still make myself come just by continuing to tense my stomach and allowing my pussy to clench...and since it's the least voluntary of all these actions, it's also the hardest to stop. I needed a solution.